Single?

I have been single since 2016. I don’t think I am making the effort to fix the situation. I am not sure if I am locked down emotionally, making myself accessible to meet someone, and willing to become a couple. Living single for 3 years creates a self-sufficient person but to what extent? Is this the best way to be? I watch couples get together and fail after a year or many years. I watch the scenarios and when I start to feel I can open and start to talk with someone I can shut them down the moment I am uncomfortable or feel as though I am chasing someone. I have tried online dating and end it every time I become exhausted. Months later I tell myself try again but wonder what the reward will be and what type of effort or behavior I should have.

I had in my earlier days found myself feeling sexual and wanting to be with someone. Then I realize I don’t want to have a relationship anymore. I realize that I am not feeling up to give a relationship effort. I try but realize I am pushing the person away. I believe it is I am wanting to feel wanted not just sexual but emotionally. I feel that because I get into a relationship with sexual desire, I realize I put my feelings and heart before my head. When this is the case, most relationships, I then realize they aren’t right for me, I can’t trust them, and I had to leave the relationship.

The hardest part about this is that I leave the relationship with hurt feelings and put everything in a box. The unfortunate thing is the box doesn’t reopen and doesn’t get resolved. I have a dozen boxes in my brain that has never been resolved. I have the ability to retreat as a way to hide my feelings, whether it is happiness, sadness, or anger. I am happy unless I am treated with a lack of caring, being cheated on, or if a man tries to out power me. Sadness comes when I put in an amount of time to only become disappointed. The anger comes up when I am cheated on. That is when I end it and have a hard time letting go and move on. I think rather than trying to work out the problems.

I put a wall not as a primary solution but to not be vulnerable. It is easier to hold back and withdrawal than it is to open up and fix the relationship. It could be because my parents were married for over 60 years, or my mother not speaking to me when I got a divorce from my husband, who at the time was cheating. I don’t feel I can deal with a man, but I know that won’t work when it comes to being happy and open with another man. But I either open and find my way or not just be disappointed by a man but be disappointed by myself for not letting someone in. Bottom line, being single can be a choice but a harder choice is having faith to be with someone new and seeing where it goes.

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