Being deceitful with the person you are with and those around you doesn’t make you a good person. It doesn’t make you honest or caring. Even if you are a great person in every other way you are still are in the wrong. As for those that sit back and go along with the deceit they are just as guilty and are no better. Let me explain why this is my blog for the day.
There is someone I am close to and have known for over 25 years. This person was there to cover for my ex when he cheated on me and then tried to comfort me after the fact. Going forward I have been vocal every time this person got back together with the kids’ other parent. Then the partner they were married to, left, re married, left, and re married again. I am the type that has a low tolerance for accepting this type of behavior in front of me.
My ex allows this to happen is his home with this person and others. I don’t understand why this is okay. Why this happens to many friends and family’s homes. Why do we as people allow cheating to come into our lives and not shut it down. I might not be the one to go to the other person and say what is happening, that would be a special circumstance. However, if they try to bring it to my home or around me there would be a problem, I would absolutely say something to him/her and the other person. If my home I would have them leave, if not my home I would leave. If we accept this and tolerate this behavior these behaviors continue.
Those that cheat always have reasons, none are good enough to be acceptable. This is an issue I see more and more as I get older, not necessarily with my age but in general.
Now, some phycologists say that friends should act in a more appropriate way:
1. Listen but don’t react at first.
2. Don’t take it personally.
3. Be honest.
4. Don’t insert your own personal ideas.
5. Decide your level of involvement, then step back when needed
So the bottom line for the psychologists is to listen to the reasons, not get involved to where it takes on a life of it’s own and makes you involved to a way it hurts you and makes you a gate keeper of secrets.
Bottom line of this post, I have listened for years, it has been one way then the other. It is a broken record and if the person is so needed for a person’s body then don’t say another thing to me. I will now take it personally because I have been brought into this drama, I am completely honest, and my personal ideas keep me from going crazy. Finally, stepping out of it saves me from screaming.
Grief is a crazy thing. For me having lost 6 family members in 2 years and 4 of them were in the past 6 months.
Loving my adoptive parents and losing my father in April 2017 and my mother in January 2018 was a cruel joke from God and it always makes me wonder why this happens. I am getting older so I understand it happens but the pain is just as deep as if I was younger.
Then in the summer of 2018 my birth sister passed. Now it is 2019 and the last three close family members passed. In the past 6 months I lost my birth mother, birth grandmother, and birth uncle. 3 out of 4 of these family members died from cancer. Yesterday my birth father let me know my uncle has passed.
I handle grief in a very crazy rollercoaster of emotions. Working and spending days not thinking of the pain and then something simple happens and the emotions flood in. I know some people who can compartmentalize the grief while others can’t sleep or move passed the initial pain. For myself, I fall in the middle.
Some grief quotes:
1. “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” — Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
2. “Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day…unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed, and very dear.” — Unknown
3. “In the garden of memory, in the palace of dreams…that is where you and I shall meet.” — Alice Through the Looking Glass
4. “When someone you love becomes a memory…that memory becomes a treasure.” — Unknown
“Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time. It tell us to tell each other right now that we love each other.” — Leo Buscaglia
As we grow, we can fid it hard to remember who we are. Falling in love is always a wonderful thing but as we grow in our relationship, we give a part of our independence up. This is a great thing when they also give a piece of themselves up This doesn’t mean that either of us will be less than it means that what we give up is to make us better as a couple.
The moment that we forget who we are is when things go airy. Living for another person and no longer remembering who you are is a slippery slope. Have you ever found yourself allowing another be the leader in the relationship? Telling you what to do, how to act, who to see, what to say, or even blaming you for things when they do something wrong. Can we forgive for slights, I would say so, should we stay with someone that does this, I would say no. You are someone, if you believe in God, you were created to be someone. Remember that having a healthy relationship is not being co-dependent, if you become this way it could turn off a person that wants a joint relationship and it can bring others who want to control the relationship. Either way you would lose.
Bustle.com shows signs that you have started to or have lost yourself in a relationship.
1. You’ve Changed Your Opinions To Keep The Peace If something your partner says or does genuinely changes your mind, that’s totally fine. But if you’re less outspoken about a cause you care about around your partner or you’ve convinced yourself you have political, social, or moral views you really don’t, you could be sacrificing who you are, says Parker.
2. You’re Sacrificing Your Interests For Theirs It’s normal for people in a relationship to try to understand each other better by engaging in each other’s favorite activities. But ask yourself whether you’ve taken up their hobbies or researched their interests to understand them or to impress them.
3. Their Problems Bother You As If They Were Your Own It’s nice to sympathize with your partner when they’re down, but there’s a difference between feeling bad for them and just feeling bad. Don’t worry: you’re not a bad person for being happy when a loved one isn’t.
4. You Pass Up Opportunities For Them If you turn down your dream job offer because it would require you to live away from your partner, skip out on a trip with your friends because your partner can’t go, or stop going to your exercise classes because you now work out together, your relationship may be costing you other things that are important to you.
If you don’t have a strong and great relationship with yourself the relationship with another won’t be joint. Never allow another to take over, you must love yourself first. Sometimes when it becomes one sided many people end up seeing a professional. If this is something you need, I am always
Tinybuhdda.com has 8 reasons to not lose yourself in a relationship.
1. Establish a strong foundation while you are single.
2. Know who you are.
3. Have strong boundaries.
4. Have your own life.
5. Have your own friends.
6. Stay true to yourself.
7. Communicate openly.
8. Stop the over giving and accommodating.
Never shy away from another, don’t be alone for ever because you are worried just be diligent in reminding yourself you are worthy of being happy and being just as needed as you are giving of yourself.
a family member happens every day to many people. This doesn’t mean it hurts
any less. In April 2017 I lost one of my best friends, my (adopted) dad. In
January 2018 I lost I lost my (adopted) mom. At this time, I wasn’t sure where
life was taking me. I was extremely close to my dad but not as close to my mom.
I decided to do a DNA test on Ancestry.com and found a cousin. He turned out to
be a cousin on my mom’s side. He too was adopted just a few months after I was.
He told me that his (birth) mother, whom he met a year earlier, had a sister.
After talking with him and then one of my birth sisters, we realized I too was
part of the family. For several months I talked to the family getting to know
this time my birth mother found out she had lung and brain cancer and she wasn’t
going to be on this earth much longer. I was able to get my daughter and
grandson out to visit her. I was on the West coast of the US and they were on
the South East coast. If you believe in God or not, I do, I was able to meet my
birth mother, father, two of my sisters, a great niece, aunt, grandmother, and
cousin. A day after we left my birth mother passed away, March 2019. Finally, a
couple of months later my birth grandmother passed away and I am now here
wondering if the feelings others have been how different than how feel, or if
this is what people normally feel.
have very sad moments then I don’t have any thoughts, as if it never happened.
The moments that they jump in my head I feel extremely guilty for not having
them on my mind all the time. I don’t know if it is how I was raised, how I was
born, or a mixture of both or mental disconnect.
am blessed to have the parents I did but it would have been a blessing to have
been around my birth family the past 54 years.
a family member is difficult and grief takes shape in multiple ways, I just haven’t
wrapped my head around the loss of a father, two mothers, and a grandmother in
the past 2 years. I have a very busy life, when I am not alone in my own
thoughts, which I believe helped me not to be stuck in a downward spiral. Moving
past a loss may takes different paths.
Betterhelp.com gave 7 stages of grief (modified Kupler-Ross model):
Shock: Initial paralysis of hearing the bad news
Denial: Trying to avoid the inevitable
Anger: Frustrated the outpouring of bottled-up emotion
Bargaining: Seeking in vain for a way out
Depression: Final realization of the inevitable
Testing: Seeking realistic solutions
Acceptance: Finally finding a way to move forward
The American Hospice Foundation stated ways to avoid saying to someone who’s grieving:
“It’s part of God’s plan.” This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, “What plan? Nobody told me about any plan.”
“Look at what you have to be thankful for.” They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
“He’s in a better place now.” The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
“This is behind you now; it’s time to get on with your life.” Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means “forgetting” their loved one. Besides, moving on is much easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
Statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: “Have you thought about…” or “You might try…”
all have had or will have a loss of a loved one, we all need to have the
ability to grieve on our own terms, which means we to need to allow others to
grieve on their own terms.
It can happen to anyone; happy, sad, medicated legally or
illegally, or being bullied. Do you know what to look for? I remember the first
time I was affected by suicide; I was a freshman and a boy in our class shot
himself in his family’s barn. That was just the beginning and didn’t think I
would ever be touched by suicide. As the years pass, I found myself touched
through family, friends, co-workers, and celebrities. Why does this happen?
What are people thinking when they try or commit suicide? For me, it was depression.
I was able to pick up the phone and call my dad and then a friend. I realized I
was lucky to make the decision to call my dad. So many others are not. We want
to be mad at them, we cry and can’t wrap our heads around it. Some people leave
notes and letters, others do it through drugs and end up overdosing, thinking
drugs will make it better.
You can learn more about why people try and do commit
suicide. Alex Lickerman with Psychology Today gives 6 reasons why:
They’re depressed. This is, without question, the most
common reason people die by suicide. Severe depression is almost always
accompanied by a pervasive sense of suffering as well as the belief that escape
from it is hopeless. The pain of existence often becomes too much for severely
depressed people to bear. The state of depression warps their thinking,
allowing ideas like, “Everyone would all be better off without me” to
make rational sense. They shouldn’t be blamed for falling prey to such
distorted thoughts any more than a heart patient should be blamed for
experiencing chest pain; it’s simply the nature of their disease. Because
depression, as we all know, is almost always treatable, we should all seek to
recognize its presence in our close friends and loved ones. Often, people
suffer with it silently, planning suicide without anyone ever knowing. Despite
making both parties uncomfortable, inquiring directly about suicidal thoughts,
in my experience, almost always yields an honest response. If you suspect
someone might be depressed, don’t allow your tendency to deny the possibility
of suicidal ideation prevent you from asking about it.
2.They’re psychotic. Malevolent inner voices often
command self-destruction for unintelligible reasons. Psychosis is much harder
to mask than depression, and is arguably even more tragic. The worldwide
incidence of schizophrenia is 1 percent and often strikes otherwise healthy, high-performing
individuals, whose lives, though manageable with medication, are often derailed
from their original promise. Schizophrenics are just as likely to talk freely
about the voices commanding them to kill themselves as not, and also, in my
experience, give honest answers about thoughts of suicide when asked directly.
Psychosis, too, is treatable, and usually must be treated for a schizophrenic
to be able to function at all. Untreated or poorly treated psychosis almost
always requires hospital admission until the voices lose their commanding
3.They’re impulsive. Often related to drugs and alcohol,
some people become maudlin and impulsively attempt to end their own lives. Once
sobered and calmed, these people usually feel emphatically ashamed. The remorse
is often genuine, but whether or not they’ll ever attempt suicide again is
unpredictable. They may try it again the very next time they become drunk or
high, or never again in their lifetime. Hospital admission is, therefore, not
usually indicated. Substance abuse and the underlying reasons for it are
generally a greater concern in these people and should be addressed as
aggressively as possible.
4.They’re crying out for help, and don’t know how else to
get it. These people don’t usually want to die but do want to alert those
around them that something is seriously wrong. They often don’t believe they
will die, frequently choosing methods they don’t think can kill them in order
to call attention to their challenges, but they are sometimes tragically
misinformed. For instance, a young teenage girl suffering genuine angst because
she feels lonely or has gotten into a devastating fight with her parents, may
swallow a bottle of Tylenol—not realizing that in high enough doses, Tylenol
causes irreversible liver damage. I’ve watched more than one teenager die a
horrible death in an ICU days after such an ingestion when remorse has already
cured them of their desire to die and their true goal of alerting those close
to them of their distress has been achieved.
5.They have a philosophical desire to die. The decision
to die by suicide for some is based on a reasoned decision, often motivated by
the presence of a painful terminal illness from which little to no hope of
reprieve exists. These people aren’t depressed, psychotic, maudlin, or crying
out for help. They’re trying to take control of their destiny and alleviate
their own suffering, which usually can only be done in death. They often look
at their choice to die by suicide as a way to shorten a dying that will happen
regardless. In my personal view, if such people are evaluated by a qualified
professional who can reliably exclude the other possibilities for why suicide
is desired, these people should be allowed to die at their own hands.
A way we can help is with the “Out of Dark” suicide walks.
I have been a part of the suicide walk
where people share their stories. The walk is healing because you meet so many
people who understand what you are going through. Sharing stories that are sad
and give hope to others.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention puts on
the suicide walks through out the US. They believe that having the walks and
donating monetarily will save lives and bring hope to those affected by suicide.
The website will have information: https://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=cms.home
Anytime someone is showing signs that they want to hurt
themselves, reach out to a professional. We might feel we are imposing but I
would rather impose than loose someone.
Have you ever dreamed to live someone else’s life? I must
say I have throughout my life. As a child I was able to travel the world with
my parents, but we moved all the time. My dad was a fighter pilot and we moved
in Japan, Europe, and state side. Because of this I was around adults more than
kids, I was trying to get new friends every stop. As an adult, I have moved 16
times in 36 years, and I have had my kids move 7 times in the past 24 years. Lucky
enough for my kids during their school years they only moved within 2 states
and lived in the same neighborhoods, so they were around their same friends.
Looking at this pattern of out of sight out of mind I tend
to wonder how much better it would be to have lived in one place growing up, I
have lifelong friends. Maybe, I would have more adult friends because I would
be able to have long friendships rather than not care if I don’t talk to
someone. It causes me to have the ability to break away from someone who has wronged
me rather than find a way to resolve the conflict.
I look at families that seem to have it all, the parents
have lifelong friends, the kids grow up and have lifelong friends, and they all
get together for those huge parties in the summer. Then I wonder how happy are
they? Do they have problems I can’t comprehend because I don’t have these types
of memories and behaviors? I think how great some people I know are, on the exterior,
then later find out about their family behind the four walls. Nothing like the
picture they paint. Then I wonder who really has it better?
I would like to put together a fairytale life, but we can’t
ever have that. At the end of the day I must be happy with how I live and maybe
I am in the better boat.
Finances can get overwhelming. Worse is to have
depression that exasperates the situation. It just starts to spiral out of
control. Do you get up and go to work, do you stay in bed and just hope it goes
away or fixes itself. We all know that bills continue to happen, it continues
to happen on a regular basis and no matter how far we hide our head in the sand
it just keeps coming.
As a mother of 3 young adults and 2 grandsons it becomes
a struggle just looking at the amount I earn and wondering where does it all
go? I always feel I don’t need anyone to be with and I want to be with someone
for financial security. I guess I just need to earn more and more and more. If
my kids are all self-reliant, I would be in a much better financial situation.
I am not as bad as I was in the past. I do get things paid; however, I can’t go
to the mall and buy a new outfit. I am in a constant turmoil over why I still
am helping my young adult children. I have always been the type of parent that
would never let them go without, some say this is an enabler, and I agree.
However, I have also been able to be a bit more vocal on what they need to do
on their own.
When I crunch the numbers, I know the mall is in my near
future. When they don’t need my help, I will be able to look at my salary and
understand the end is near and the savings will grow. I would say everyone take
a breath don’t let depression creep in and take over the will to stay on top of
Some easy ways to help is keep a calendar up where you
can see it. Hang up a white board and block out areas. Set up set monthly bills;
Mortgage, electric, phone, etc. Set up revolving/installment debt; credit
cards, loans, car, and other payments that have an end.
Take the revolving debt and each month pay off the credit
card with the highest interest or pay off the lowest balance (with the highest payment)
while the rest is paid with the minimum balance. As you pay off one credit
card/loan then pay more on the next one until paid off. Continue the cycle until
all revolving/installment debt is paid off. The biggest part to control is to
put the credit cards away. They should not be closed out but put up until all
revolving/installment debt is paid off. At this point utilize the credit cards
enough to show up on your credit but pay the full balance off each month. Never
go over 25% in utilization.
This is the hardest part about being debt free, financially
secure, with depression is staying on task. The need to put away the credit
cards if it will reoccur when you are depressed and want the high of shopping. These
high lasts long enough to buy the items, see them at home, then when the bill
comes the depression becomes worse. The cycle can be self-defeating and can
send your credit into a spiral of negativity.
If you are depressed and find yourself in a downward spiral
with your finances. Take steps to help yourself. The smallest step is a start. Get
the calendar, get a white board, get financial guidance, and make sure you have
money coming in. I was able to pull myself out of depression and have a better
outlook on how I pay my bills. I hope you can as well.
There are many financial books on how to become dept free,
you can get them at the library, book store, audio book, or borrow them from
family and friends (if they have them available).