Cheating and Allowing it Around You

Being deceitful with the person you are with and those around you doesn’t make you a good person. It doesn’t make you honest or caring. Even if you are a great person in every other way you are still are in the wrong. As for those that sit back and go along with the deceit they are just as guilty and are no better. Let me explain why this is my blog for the day.

There is someone I am close to and have known for over 25 years. This person was there to cover for my ex when he cheated on me and then tried to comfort me after the fact. Going forward I have been vocal every time this person got back together with the kids’ other parent. Then the partner they were married to, left, re married, left, and re married again. I am the type that has a low tolerance for accepting this type of behavior in front of me.

My ex allows this to happen is his home with this person and others. I don’t understand why this is okay. Why this happens to many friends and family’s homes. Why do we as people allow cheating to come into our lives and not shut it down. I might not be the one to go to the other person and say what is happening, that would be a special circumstance. However, if they try to bring it to my home or around me there would be a problem, I would absolutely say something to him/her and the other person. If my home I would have them leave, if not my home I would leave. If we accept this and tolerate this behavior these behaviors continue.

Those that cheat always have reasons, none are good enough to be acceptable. This is an issue I see more and more as I get older, not necessarily with my age but in general.

Now, some phycologists say that friends should act in a more appropriate way:

1. Listen but don’t react at first.

2. Don’t take it personally.

3. Be honest.

4. Don’t insert your own personal ideas.

5. Decide your level of involvement, then step back when needed

So the bottom line for the psychologists is to listen to the reasons, not get involved to where it takes on a life of it’s own and makes you involved to a way it hurts you and makes you a gate keeper of secrets.

Bottom line of this post, I have listened for years, it has been one way then the other. It is a broken record and if the person is so needed for a person’s body then don’t say another thing to me. I will now take it personally because I have been brought into this drama, I am completely honest, and my personal ideas keep me from going crazy. Finally, stepping out of it saves me from screaming.

Cranial Aneurysm’s?

Headache after headache and crashing wave over crashing waves, these can be a sign of a migraine or worse yet a cranial aneurysm.

This week I was put on a roller coaster of pain and I didn’t know how to jump off the boat. After the 2nd thunder clap headache in the past 6 months, with no previous history I was worried something was going wrong. I called my insurances nurse line, I would like to say don’t just go with someone over the phone, make decisions based on your symptoms.I decided I would head off to work and by the end of that day I ended up in the local emergency care hospital. This place had more than a regular urgent care, this place was able to give me a CT scan and a lumbar spinal tap. These tests determined I have a cranial aneurysm that had not burst.

With these two tests and about 8 hours later I was sent home given forms to call and make an appointment.

This in itself was a complete headache as the appointment settlers refused to make an appointment with the neurosurgeon until my documents, which I had in my hands was faxed to their office. Needless to say with the lack of sleep I decided to see my primary physician.

At this point I had 2 appointments with two different neurosurgeon all weeks later. Decided must not be that serious so off I end t to work. Work is an hour away from my home so I was met with a lot of concern from fellow employees and director. It took just 2 hours for me to realize it was a big mistake and I should have pushed harder to be seen.

I end up back on my side of town with a migraine from hell, and a packed ER. It was almost 10 hours on a bed in the hallway until I was moved to a room. A liquid dose of migraine cocktail to take the edge off. At no point was it completely gone but it helped me through the night.

The next day I was met by a renowned neurosurgeon that was brought to my city. He did an angiogram through my grown to find the aneurysm and see if it can be coiled (a technique that blocks the bubble). After the procedure I was in a lot of pain with my groin, at the point of the procedure (surgical opening). The doctor has decided that due to the location and size he was not going to coil the aneurysm but will have me seen ever 3 months to determine if it will continue to grow or if he can leave it. His main concern was a rupture.

With all of this information and my headaches still there we have chosen a regiment of medication that will eliminate most of the headache. At this point I have been told to eliminate undo stress, eat healthier, and not do any exercises that would put strain on my brain. All of this is something I should have already been doing but not worked on. Now it is a choice of life or possible death, never thought it would come down to a 3mm cranial aneurysm.

For everyone who might be going through constant headaches don’t let others determine what you feel or what you have, get more than one opinion it could be a matter of life or death.

How I Lost My Mind!

Have I lost my mind? Well that depends on who I ask. I listen to my doctors but at the same time I think many doctors want to keep you dependent on their medicines and coming in. I have one doctor I see every three months. I think it is ridiculous but of course she doesn’t, I have another 2 doctors that say every 6 months. One I went to after 2 years, of course he let me know how he felt about that, and the other one I don’t listen to everything he has to say.

That brings me to my whole point of losing my mind. I have a doctor that said I was never to run or put strain on my bones. So, what did I finally decide to do? I decided to do a 5k marathon. It was fun, a bit tough because I don’t know how to train (or want to) prior to the races. I now have set up another 5k in November and keep looking on the horizon on what else might come my way. Should be rather interesting when I go and see him next time. We must listen to a doctor from time to time, but I really think our lives are ours to live. Sometimes we can be too scared to get out there and just enjoy what you can find because of a doctor’s advice. If I fracture or break a bone, then I know that he must be right.

In the mean time I will keep looking up things that will push my limits to get out there and be happy.

GRIEF

Grief is a crazy thing. For me having lost 6 family members in 2 years and 4 of them were in the past 6 months.

Loving my adoptive parents and losing my father in April 2017 and my mother in January 2018 was a cruel joke from God and it always makes me wonder why this happens. I am getting older so I understand it happens but the pain is just as deep as if I was younger.

Then in the summer of 2018 my birth sister passed. Now it is 2019 and the last three close family members passed. In the past 6 months I lost my birth mother, birth grandmother, and birth uncle. 3 out of 4 of these family members died from cancer. Yesterday my birth father let me know my uncle has passed.

I handle grief in a very crazy rollercoaster of emotions. Working and spending days not thinking of the pain and then something simple happens and the emotions flood in. I know some people who can compartmentalize the grief while others can’t sleep or move passed the initial pain. For myself, I fall in the middle.

Some grief quotes:

1. “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” — Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

2. “Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day…unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed, and very dear.” — Unknown

3. “In the garden of memory, in the palace of dreams…that is where you and I shall meet.” — Alice Through the Looking Glass

4. “When someone you love becomes a memory…that memory becomes a treasure.” — Unknown

“Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time. It tell us to tell each other right now that we love each other.” — Leo Buscaglia

Misunderstood

Do you, like myself, feel you are misunderstood? I want to use the term feel because we base this type of word through feelings not fact. I believe the way I am as a person, people at work and in my personal life don’t truly understand me. This is for family, friends, and coworkers. They might not a piece of me but about 70% of the time I am told I am one way, but I feel a different.

An example with family, is thinking I am mad about something, but I am disappointed because I am not clear, or they are not hearing me. Which really is I being not clear. Working on the way I speak toward others is a constant struggle. I guess I could say I am self-aware of how I can be or come across, but my internal struggle makes it hard for me to show others.

I get the responses of how I am not quite, how I hold a grudge, how I am vocal, and speak all the time. Reality, I try to wait to speak, I am always in my head waiting to speak after others, and I try to speak up when it comes to others or I disagree with someone. When I try to say nothing, others think I am mad or dislike someone, when I speak up people say I am impulsive or rude. At this point I am not sure how to talk about what I want or how I can speak to others without the negative results. Being self-aware doesn’t mean I have fixed the things that can help other understand where I am coming from.

Taking on leadership plan with my supervisor, listen to audio books on how to communicate, and try to change some of my behaviors can help bring others to me. I don’t think everyone needs to understand me and I need to change, I believe success is when both sides communicate better so both sides don’t feel like they are being run over.

On the website onewithnow.com there is a section on how to move past being misunderstood, these ways can work in business and personal life. How do you move past being misunderstood?

After processing my findings above, I came up with the following pointers. I hope you find them beneficial.

1. You have the right to respond but not the obligation. You always have the right to express your opinion and discuss an issue further. But only if it serves a purpose and helps you move forward. You also have the right not to engage and not respond at all.

2. Others’ views of your opinions don’t diminish your worth. You are who you are and you’re entitled to your thoughts and views. Your opinions are not who you are. They are the position you hold at this moment, which may change subsequently.

3. It’s okay to be misunderstood. The newspapers and tabloids thrive on misquoting and manipulating words. In our daily interactions, others will take what they’ll take from the conversations. There is nothing you can do about it. And if they don’t like what you have to say, so be it.

4. Feel the emotions without rationalization. As much as we’d like to think that we humans are a rational species, we are not. We’re highly emotional and a lot of what we say or do is driven by emotions. You can waste all the time in the world trying to understand why someone misconstrued what you said. In all likelihood, what you expressed triggered a defensive response in them. It has nothing to do with you. So focus on how you feel. Also, realize the more important the person to you, the higher the emotional charge. Don’t try to argue with how you feel. You may feel angry, upset, fearful, disappointed, hurt, betrayed or any other emotion. Allow—feel and then feel some more. Write about your feelings; meditate on them, or just sit quietly and allow them to go through you. Take your time—there is no shortcut for releasing your emotions.

5. Write an imaginary response. If you feel you need to express more of your thoughts and feelings write them in a letter. What would you say to the person who you feel wronged you? Write what you would want to tell them and how the interaction made you feel. There is an amazing release that comes from putting thoughts and words to paper. This is what I did and I felt much better after.

6. Sleep on it. If you decide you want to respond and you want to discuss the issue further, don’t do it right away. Think about what you want to say and maybe even draft a response as mentioned above. Give yourself a few days. You will be surprised by how fast you may cool off and change your mind. In all likelihood, you will dismiss the issue and move on. For me I decided the best approach was not to send a response. Later I talked to my friend and we never mentioned taxes. It worked out.

7. Let it go. After all is said and done, let the whole issue go. Don’t hold a grudge or keep bringing it up. You don’t want to add fuel to a fire in your heart. If the other person was not happy with your decision, it’s their problem not yours. You cannot satisfy someone who is adamant about having an argument. Do yourself a big favor and don’t engage in further discussion. Sometimes the best opinions are the ones that remain unexpressed. You know who you are and what you stand for. Instead of engaging in trying to explain and validate your opinions, move on and do something that is more meaningful to you.

Letting go is freedom. You can’t force anyone to see your point of view. However, you can drop the issue and let go. It’s always in your hands.

We each need to trust our own internal feelings but on the same token we need to step back and make sure what we say is on point. Listen more, speak less, and create an easier way to communicate. Again, I am a work in progress and no matter my age I believe I will always be a work in progress.

Single?

I have been single since 2016. I don’t think I am making the effort to fix the situation. I am not sure if I am locked down emotionally, making myself accessible to meet someone, and willing to become a couple. Living single for 3 years creates a self-sufficient person but to what extent? Is this the best way to be? I watch couples get together and fail after a year or many years. I watch the scenarios and when I start to feel I can open and start to talk with someone I can shut them down the moment I am uncomfortable or feel as though I am chasing someone. I have tried online dating and end it every time I become exhausted. Months later I tell myself try again but wonder what the reward will be and what type of effort or behavior I should have.

I had in my earlier days found myself feeling sexual and wanting to be with someone. Then I realize I don’t want to have a relationship anymore. I realize that I am not feeling up to give a relationship effort. I try but realize I am pushing the person away. I believe it is I am wanting to feel wanted not just sexual but emotionally. I feel that because I get into a relationship with sexual desire, I realize I put my feelings and heart before my head. When this is the case, most relationships, I then realize they aren’t right for me, I can’t trust them, and I had to leave the relationship.

The hardest part about this is that I leave the relationship with hurt feelings and put everything in a box. The unfortunate thing is the box doesn’t reopen and doesn’t get resolved. I have a dozen boxes in my brain that has never been resolved. I have the ability to retreat as a way to hide my feelings, whether it is happiness, sadness, or anger. I am happy unless I am treated with a lack of caring, being cheated on, or if a man tries to out power me. Sadness comes when I put in an amount of time to only become disappointed. The anger comes up when I am cheated on. That is when I end it and have a hard time letting go and move on. I think rather than trying to work out the problems.

I put a wall not as a primary solution but to not be vulnerable. It is easier to hold back and withdrawal than it is to open up and fix the relationship. It could be because my parents were married for over 60 years, or my mother not speaking to me when I got a divorce from my husband, who at the time was cheating. I don’t feel I can deal with a man, but I know that won’t work when it comes to being happy and open with another man. But I either open and find my way or not just be disappointed by a man but be disappointed by myself for not letting someone in. Bottom line, being single can be a choice but a harder choice is having faith to be with someone new and seeing where it goes.

Morning, Noon, or Night?

Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

Because I wake up early to get to work, I find that on weekends I tend to only sleep in for a few extra hours. By noon I am down, not asleep because I work full days but down just the same. I get home knowing bed is calling my name. Then the inevitable happens, I gain the peripheral second wind when it comes to the early weekend. As I become awake, I realize that insomnia is hitting and evening to night is in full swing.

If I was rich and didn’t work 9-5, I would have to say that nights are my go-to time. I like that fact that I can have peace after the kids go to bed and I am in a quite space. This night however, I find myself swirling in thoughts I can’t control. I am on the down swing of an infusion and realize I am exhausted not because I am on a new routine, instead it is because of another try to help my body become strong again.

Not sure what another person’s favorite time is but no matter the time frame everyone seems to be a pro morning, or pro noon, or even pro evening.